Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
