Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dear god my vagina.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
