I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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