Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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