i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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