I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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