Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
