he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
