i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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