i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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