Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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