peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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