last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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