I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
