Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
