i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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