She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
