I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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