I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
