I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
