you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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