You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
