Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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