it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
