hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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