Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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