i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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