anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
