he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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