I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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