If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
