yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
