I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
