At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
