i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
