You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
