he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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