Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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