I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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