Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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