My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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