he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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