I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
