Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
