he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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