hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
