I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
