explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I did not marry a roomba.
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