if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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