I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
someone owes me an orgasm
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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