How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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